| On the Inevitable |
[14 Apr 2009|08:55pm] |
What I can't get over is the passage of time. Things keep changing and I keep living. I feel, more often than not, that my only anchor is myself and whatever I've bound to myself. It's just so strange to imagine all the things I've left behind and all the things that have left me behind. I know this sort of thing probably seems trite, but that's probably because everyone feels this way sometime, and if you're not feeling this way you don't want to read about it, perhaps for fear that you will feel that way. Sorry if I've influenced anyone to feel this way by writing this. Another big move is coming. The chapter of my life in which I live Madison is almost over. It's scary. It's going to be hard to leave here. It's hard because I lived in Syracuse and all over Syracuse and nowhere in Syracuse felt like home. I feel like I'm at home here, but I also feel this shadow looming over me. I feel like I have to leave soon and like even if I never had to leave geographically I would have to leave figuratively and emotionally. A college town like Madison is inherently transitive, and isn't it frighteningly telling about me that I feel the most comfortable, the most at home, in a place that is inherently moving towards another place? I feel that there isn't anything restive about the lifestyle of the "college" part of Madison. I feel like all the friends I've made over the last few years are leaving or being left. I guess what I'm getting at is that I feel vulnerable and afraid.
I don't have a girlfriend right now. I don't have any romantic interests right now. I am actually quite sexually active (more quantity than quality at the moment. I find it fun to experiment with that ratio and see how I feel about it.), but I don't have any emotional counterpart. I spent many years pining for a girl and some months having one, but after breaking up with Jenna for good in January I realized that I am too independent to have a successful relationship with someone any less independent than me. I have also realized, since being single again, just how independent I am. I am rather introverted about my thoughts and my private life, despite a public persona. I confide in Elysa, Katie, and Gigi, who is moving here soon and I expect to be something of a godsend for the Summer. Otherwise I just practice, listen, read, study, and compose. I have even taken to socializing outside of the school of music as much as possible. The consequence is that I am concealing my "real" self. I am anonymizing any part of myself that doesn't involve other people. That is, I do all those things (practice/compose/study) alone, and they are what is important to me. The other thing I spend my time doing is drinking with non-musicians. Combine these two and you will see that I don't really reveal myself to anyone. I think I have sort of always done this, but it has never been deliberate. I am actually living a dual life. My private life is devoted to my music and my academic interests, and I have very little to say about it in public, yet it is what is most important to me. My social life is devoted to drinking with people that I don't have to see on a day-to-day basis (this is usually once or twice a week, I haven't delved into alcoholism), and what I have to say is irrelevant and probably oft-forgotten in the midst of alcohol-soaked memories. If I say nothing about what is important to me and everything irrelevant I say is forgotten anyway, what am I?
I am independent, vulnerable, afraid, hidden, and forgotten. I can do no more to escape the reality of this transitional period than I could to escape the reality of my 3 years in Madison, but the reality of my 3 years in Madison is that I have created a world for myself to exist in peacefully. What I give up by leaving Madison is a unique living environment emotionally. I have a stability here that I've never had before and I fear I will lose when I leave. I suppose the main reason I didn't have that sort of stability before was for financial reasons and because I was so close to my painfully dysfunctional family, but there is also an element of sociality here that I never had in Syracuse. I have fears because I am leaving a comfortable place, but I have a comfortable place because I embraced fear to come here. I embraced that fear out of necessity: I couldn't have stayed in Syracuse any longer and been emotionally well. Now I am at crossroads. The choice has been made: I will be moving to Miami in late August to play in the New World Symphony. But I must embrace this choice. This is the heart of the matter. I must willingly give up the thing I have come to cherish the most in my life up to this point: my personal space and self-created harmony.
This isn't a matter of tangibility; I'm sure that much is obvious. I must overcome the fear I have that I will never again have a sense of harmonious personal space. I must overcome the fear that this is the best my life will ever be. I get the impression that some people feel that way when the graduate high school and/or move away from their hometown for the first time... but I always felt like my life was just getting better. Now I am ambivalent. My living environment in Miami will be much less personal than mine here. Aside from that it is really everything I am looking for, but that is a big thing. It has meant immeasurable amounts to me to walk into my apartment and have it as I want it. My new place will be smaller and less personal, I fear.
Fear and fear and fear again! I am afraid of change, afraid of being forgotten (while simultaneously having no interest in making myself socially memorable, apparently), afraid of losing the personal space I have created. I am tiring myself out by dwelling on this, but I want to. I want to linger in the fear I have. I want to linger in the loneliness I have and the insecurity I feel. I have an emotionally masochistic streak that wants to dip deep into the well of sadness, nostalgia, and trepidation that I feel. It is a streak with the best of intentions, though. I want to run the well dry and get on with my life. I want to enjoy my last few months here and use the time "off" as a creative period where I begin pursuing my interests (knowing I have no more schooling...) and composing and preparing for my upcoming job. I can't do that genuinely until I uproot all the sadness and replace it with acceptance. Not the steel-faced acceptance of one who refuses to feel any longer, but the open-armed acceptance of one who understands that time will always move on and that things always change, the acceptance of one who actually accepts without reluctance. I know I am getting ahead of myself and that change takes time, but I'm starting now in the hopes that by next year, with my years starting on my birthday, I will be able to understand that Madison couldn't last forever and that it's for the best that it's that way. Who wants to remain in a place that is always changing around you? I will change myself instead.
I am accepting my year off and Meagan and Starbucks and playing Playstation to relive the youth I didn't have and writing silly songs and walking around aimlessly when people are moving in around me because I didn't know anyone and being afraid and anxious about meeting people and wishing (praying, crying) that I were in school and not taking a year off.
I am accepting my first year of school and State Street Sbux and new friends and starting drinking and NYSOS year 1 and hookups and loving learning and beginning to compose for real and practicing more and more and meeting Jenna and NOI and Denver and losing Starbucks as a job.
I am accepting my last year in Madison and living like a college kid for a semester and breaking up with Jenna and getting back together and NYSOS year 2 and foreal breakup and audition season and composing good music sometimes and listening so intensely that I almost sicken myself and realizing that I'm not the person I want to be, I'm much more interesting than that shallow ambition.
I'm binding myself to the inevitable: that everything comes to an end, even relentless anxiety about the inevitable.
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[11 Feb 2009|10:19am] |
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Today is my 4 year anniversary of horn playing!
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| Compliments and Summary |
[23 Oct 2008|10:09am] |
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Poulenc - Sinfonietta |
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Here are a few of the best compliments ever:
Katie McCarthy: You're smart. Not like academic smart, well that too... but you're mostly smart about things that matter.
Elysa DiMauro: That orchestra needs to play down to you. Your softs are pristine.
Me: This horn sounds like a whale.
Katie McCarthy: But you play it like a dolphin. (unbeknownst to Katie at the time, dolphins are my fav animal)
These are my two best friends in Madison. There are a number of Gigi comments and Melissa comments that belong in here as well, but these ones are all in the last few weeks.
Also: I don't have a girlfriend anymore. I took out more money in loans because my stable employment is working for Doug as a copyist/personal assistant, which I don't actually do enough of to pay my bills (which includes travel to Syracuse for Thanksgiving, NYC for NYSOS in December, and the various travel expenses incurred next semester by the various auditions I will be taking). My senior recital is Saturday and I feel generally confident about my horn playing. I'm ready to take pro auditions and get myself a job. In the meantime I am filling my life with social observations and experiments (through which I am learning that all people are meaningful, rational to the best of their ability, and not pitiable or pathetic, but should be empathized with to the degree that all feelings are universal and all people experience them, however "irrational" some peoples reasons are), using my modern philosophy class to help me get a handle on my ever-evolving belief system, making new friends and hanging out with the old ones too, and generally feeling better about life than I ever have. Things turn out the best for those that make the best out of how things turn out.
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| I'm Learning Where to Stand or to Tread Lightly. |
[30 Aug 2008|11:11pm] |
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I did, in fact, lose my job at Starbucks. I spent most of the summer traveling and existing all across America. I spent June in Maryland/DC area for NOI (National Orchestral Institute), visited Jenna (my girlfriend of about 4 months) in Minneapolis, Northern Minnesota, and Chicago in early July, then went to Denver for the IHS (International Horn Symposium) the last week of July. My girlfriend is really wonderful. She isn't someone who agrees with me about life very much at all, but she is loving and tolerant, which is really much more important. I'm surprised it got started and even more surprised it stayed together. I know I am very difficult to get along with (being a very strong personality, which she is as well), but we're doing really well and that's exciting for me. Horn is going well. I'm playing better than ever, which is good. I'm feeling rather prepared for both grad school and professional auditions. Everything is going according to my long-term plan, which is really the most reassuring thing about life... to know that the plan I made almost 7 years ago when I started playing trumpet, to become a professional performing musician, is getting closer every year. So there is my tri-monthly update! It feels good to not be on LJ anymore, but sometimes it's nice to revisit.
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[23 May 2008|06:15am] |
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I think I might've lost my job just now. I've been late too many times. In particular, this was the third open I was late for in the last 2 weeks. Bad news. I came in for a few minutes but then John Faust showed up and Rachael said "I have to send you home. I shouldn't have even called you in. I'm sorry." and I replied "Am I going to get fired?" and she just said "I don't know." but I think we both know. I got a write-up last week. Julie said "This is the last straw. I know you can be here on time.", but apparently that isn't true.
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[11 Feb 2008|09:27am] |
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Today is my 3-year anniversary of horn playing!
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| Last Entry: December 31st, 2007 |
[31 Dec 2007|11:50pm] |
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Dvorak 9 - III. Scherzo |
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I almost forgot to update before the New Year! I think this shall be my last entry ever. I know I've said that before, but in the past the motivation was always fear or anger or distrust (of myself mostly) and now my motivation is love. What I mean is that I am going to love who I am and how I do things and how I think and what I like and I don't really feel a need to put it out there. I think it's no one else's business to judge me from reading something without knowing me. I spent so long trying to deny myself. I spent a long time trying to say “I am normal” when what I meant was “I am human”. I'm human, but I'm not a normal human. I don't really like to drink that much. I don't think I will drink very much anymore. I'm not a person of absolutes in action, only in theory, so I will not guarantee that I will never be drunk again, just that I'm not going to make such an effort to drink anymore. I'm not going to guarantee I'll never write in this again, but I'm not going to make an effort to. Plus, I have an awesome 2008 Moleskin that I got with Meagan in Denver, and that will probably do me just fine for journaling. I know very few people read this, but the publicity of it is unnecessary. I will try to keep in touch with Gigi via letters, I know she reads this because she likes me, not just because it's there. Otherwise, I think 2008 is going to be the start of something new. I've never made a big deal out of new years, but there's a first (and a last) for everything.
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[30 Dec 2007|01:38am] |
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Dvorak 9 (the recording we made last night) |
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I spend a lot of time trying to figure out in what way(s) I am different from other people, then when I do something that everyone else does I beat myself up for it. For example, while I was at NYSOS I was explicitly trying to get laid. Really. I was hitting on a number of girls in the hopes one would pan out. I think this last semester, so filled with sexual frustration and long talks with Garry and Elysa about getting laid and how best to do it, set me up for disaster. I thought "this is a perfect controlled environment in which to work this shit out" but of course it was not to be. Actually, I "worked my game" really well. It's probably the most desirable I've made myself since high school. But I learned (a second time) that that isn't the person I want to be. I know, oh I know, that sexual frustration is killer, but I just don't want to be that guy. I don't want to mindlessly pursue sex. I get attached too easily. I should only be sexual with people I like, and only pursue people I want to be sexual with. It isn't fair to anyone to pretend you feel or want something you don't, and I also learned (another second time) that I cannot pursue more than one person at a time. I have to make up my mind and go for it, then cut the bullshit. It isn't fair to people to lead more than one on in the hopes that things "pan out". It isn't how I want to live. It may be right or justifiable (though I doubt it), but I don't want to live that way. I ended up acting like a real asshole to a few people, just like in high school, and yet a lot of the people there really liked me and a few really hated me, just like in high school.
I think a large part of the issue is drinking. I never did it and I hated the idea, and now I see exactly why. It's dangerous. I handle my alcohol very well. I maintain rational control until I am QUITE drunk, yet even within this semester I am sure that I have acquired a fair tolerance. I don't like it. I don't like the idea of not having that control. Last night, the last party/night of the seminar, I actually drank enough to black out. I really don't understand how I wasn't hungover today but my memory is exceptionally patchy and I think I did a few things I shouldn't have.
Does drinking represent a regression in my personality that brings out all the unfavorable aspects? By my own assessments, yes. I have been harping on this "introvert/extrovert" business for a long time but my mind has always been made up. Regardless of natural inclination, I would prefer to not talk. It's hard for me, because I am naturally so talkative and, in a certain way, socially adept, but I don't really like it. It gets me into trouble. Some of my favorite moments in life have been observations, not actions. Composing isn't social and I love composing. Practicing isn't social and that's definitely one of the most important things in my life. I wish I had the self-control and self-discipline to decide what I wanted and stick with that instead of so often switching to autopilot and crashing and burning.
Anyway, my new year's resolution is going to be to stop drinking and try to rediscover the solemnity I think I was acquiring last year through loneliness. I do prefer the feeling of having 1 person to having a network. Having Meagan, platonically and all, was better (easier, more satisfying) than dealing with social networking. I want to be myself and shut up... hopefully they can someday peacefully coexist.
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| Frustration (this entry was typed while drunk) |
[24 Dec 2007|01:47am] |
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Mendelssohn Octet Op.20 |
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It makes me jealous and frustrated to hang out with someone like Emily. She is principal bass. She is sexual by nature (aren't we all? Some just suppress it or show it in non-sexual ways, I think). We click. I am certain that if she didn't have a boyfriend, we would've hooked up tonight. It's like this overwhelming trend for me to be attracted to people that it is just doomed to fail with. Boyfriends are number 1, "too old" is number 2, lesbians are number 3, and the girls that are too shallow to be interested in me are 4. That covers 99% of the female population. I wish there was some easy way to meet the one (single) girl that is on the same page as I am... that could just be into me and not have hang-ups that prevent it from working (boyfriend, age, difference, sexuality, inability to step out of societal gender roles and just enjoy someone as an individual). I know that someday it will happen. If it doesn't in about 5 years I'll probably just go crazy, but I'm not old enought to have given up hope entirely. Anyway, I just wish that in the meantime I could get laid... just click with someone physically for a few minutes/hours/days, if not a lifetime.
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| NYSOS |
[23 Dec 2007|12:15am] |
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Mendelssohn Octet Op. 20 |
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This thing is killer. So much playing. So many people. No time or energy for a full update. It feels weird to be in EST. My dad is coming to the first concert and my mom to the second. It will be the first time I've SEEN my dad in a year and a half. It was almost a full calendar year without seeing him! I almost wish it would wait, just for the novelty of saying it worked out that way. My mom I haven't seen since April/road trip. The group is good, but everyone drinks a lot (mostly string players. Many many many drug addicts of varying degrees) and today sounded seriously subpar. 9 hours of rehearsal a day will do that to anyone. Especially me! Horn! So much horn! Christ! Anyway, NYC is a great place and I love traveling. Oh yeah! So the whole ironic point of this "blog" is that I've been asked to write the NYSOS blog. I'm terrible at blogging because they are actually marketing my experience to an audience and, though I was enthusiastic at first I am feeling like it's really unfair to censor me about my experience. My honest experience is that the conductor ignores the winds and is ignorant of them as a whole, that we are over-rehearsed, that the rehearsal space for today stunk, and that overall it is the best group I've ever played with. Not far from professional. The strings are amazingly tight. The winds are surprisingly in tune. The horns are mostly delightful.
My horn friend here, named Jena, and I decided that while some girls are "fag hags" I am a "dyke tyke". She is my lesbian friend! I'm so into lesbians in the same way many chicks are into gay dudes. I just like them. She is sort of like if Kelly Christian played horn. She is vegan, crass, and I've never seen Kelly drunk but Jena is pretty bellig(erent). "I get pretty bellig when I'm drunk." So true.
Anyway, this has been a more disjointed entry because I'm trying to stuff 5 days of new and exciting into one post of concise yet informative. Sorry! The concerts will be available online at some point and if anyone wants to listen I can try to hook you up. All Mozart program Monday, Beethoven and Dvorak Friday.
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[17 Dec 2007|12:35pm] |
OK so I drank a lot this weekend. I got very very drunk on Thursday, missed my last Music History class and was a few minutes late to the final that I scheduled to take early because I'm leaving for NYC tomorrow. Nonetheless I feel quite confident about getting an "A" in that class. I finished my 9-page paper on Hedda Gabler late Monday night and handed it in Tuesday. My TA really liked my thesis and we talked quite a bit about the history of cultural intellect, which is his specialty. He explained a lot to me about what, precisely, Post-Modernism is. I've always wondered. I feel certain that I got an "A" in the comm-b section of my Scandinavian Literature class. Tonight is my final for said ScandLit, and I think I shall do just fine. I feel confident I got an "A" in LitTrans271. German was rough. I decided early on I was throwing that grade to the wind. I didn't do enough studying for most vocabulary quizzes but my adequate understanding of Grammar probably got me a "B" or, at worst, "BC" in German. I'm OK with that. Obviously I got an "A" in Horn Choir (1 credit), Horn lessons (4 credits), and Symphony Orchestra (1 credit). All in all I felt pretty OK academically about my first semester here at UW-Madison.
I didn't drink Friday. I sat at school and did some composing, thinking, writing, practicing, and felt really good about having some good alone time. I worked Saturday for the last time until probably New Year's. I practiced and composed and thought some more after that and felt good about being alone. I bought a bottle of plum wine (which is delicious, try it some time... but if you do make sure it is made from plums and not from "grape wine with plum flavor added"). I am very distressed to say I had written an additional paragraph beyond this and my internet at home (the wi-fi I steal) crapped out. I am unwilling t reconstruct the paragraph and you are left with only guesses as to how much of that wine I drank Saturday night (all 750ml), what I did Sunday (a Wisconsin Brass Quintet concert, more practicing, and more drinking), and what I'm doing for the next two weeks (final tonight, NYC tomorrow, hopeful prospects in NYC). That was the Reader's Digest reconstruction.
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| It's Weird, the Way These Relationships Work |
[16 Dec 2007|04:04pm] |
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Nick Rizzo, Lindsay MacDowall and I met at OCC. Nick is best friends with Micah Rich, who I was "best" friends with in the 3rd and 4th grade when I went to Camillus. Lindsay dated Nick for a few years. They broke up this summer. Lindsay is now dating Nick Streeter, who I knew from my days at CNS. Lindsay also dated Drew Taurisano and Adam McGrady, who I lived with for the first and second semesters of my freshman year at OCC (respectively). Nick and Lindsay both went to Ithaca after OCC (though Lindsay is now at SUNY Oswego), where they met Chelsey Hamm, who I knew from the Ska Scene in Syracuse. Just last week I got a message on Facebook from Emi Naro (I never knew it was spelled E-m-i until I got the message), who I knew from the Ska Scene also. I met her through Chelsey and the "Skaneatles" kids. When I was 15 I was so into her! I wanted to date her! It was with my feelings for Kelly Christian and Emi that I first discovered that I suffer from an overwhelming sense of guilt if I attempt to pursue genuine romantic relationships with more than one person (I know it seems trite to say "genuine romantic relationships" about a 15 year old, but that's how I felt about them at the time). Kelly and I got to know each other through the Ska Scene, but we met through LaFayette friends. Her friend Val was dating my friend Matt Murphy who was friends with Steve Terry who lived with Kelly during my second year at OCC when I was friends with Nick and Lindsay.
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[14 Dec 2007|11:42pm] |
I'm feeling that sort of uncertainty that is so unsettling. I'm feeling like I wish I were back in last year... like I liked that person better. At the same time, I don't like that person too much either; he was so obsessed with Meagan! I'm not saying I'm "over her" in the sense that I don't think about her (we still talk every couple weeks or so) but I was really dead set on being with her and that was so juvenile of me. I guess I just loved being so independent and lonely, only I always complained about being lonely. It's sort of circular. I suppose if I look back at any time I'll feel like I miss parts of that, but for the most part I feel like every day I learn something new about life and I wouldn't give that up for anything.
I think my biggest frustration is that I can't control what other people think of me. I know it's stupid to even imagine I could, but I just wish people wouldn't think of me as this loud, funny guy. I don't want that because everyone gets very touchy when you don't live up to their expectations of you. I know that's "their problem", but I have to deal with a lot of "are you OK today?!"s just because I sometimes behave differently than people expect. Sorry I'm not a static person. I'm just as pensive as ever, but I have more distractions now. What did I post once? Something about distractions and reminders of reality? Well, reality moves on but doesn't change as dramatically as behaviors sometimes suggest. The past is still the past and the future is still undecided, so how different is the present from what it's ever been?
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[05 Dec 2007|01:16pm] |
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I'm getting coffee with Caitlin Cisler in an hour. I know, right?
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| Caitlin Cisler and Grad School |
[02 Dec 2007|01:06am] |
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I just realized that if my titles include the main topic of my entry I can find entries years later using the 'show titles' function in the calendar. I may have a new method for titling my entries.
Caitlin Cisler is a first-year masters student. She is a soprano, sang Melisande in "Pelleas and Melisande", and she is gorgeous. Someone said she resembles Meagan. It was more of a "Colin, you have a type" than a "That girl looks like Meagan". Anyway, When I first saw her (at the Sitzprobe) I was enamored! I spent a lot of time thinking about how great looking and pretty she was and how it would be so neat if things would work out in a way that would bring us together somehow. In this time I was writing many entries about "working my game" and understanding the mental games people play. I came to a decision on Thursday night that if I'm not the type to "work my game" or play mental games, then I shouldn't. If that's not what makes me happy, or at least comfortable, then I shouldn't do it. Simple, right? So Friday I went to Caitlin's office (she is a voice teacher for many an undergrad, so she has an office) and asked her if she wanted to get breakfast or lunch with me sometime. We talked for a few minutes, she took my number and said she would call me sometime when she wasn't exceptionally busy (I didn't feel like it was a write-off, she just couldn't think of a when she had time). We'll probably get coffee sometime next week. I felt confident because I was being myself. She wasn't turned off. She wasn't scared. She wasn't weirded out. I was just myself. I'm straightforward. I said I wanted to get to know her better and she said "Yeah that sounds good." I've decided I don't want to "work my game". I'm not interested in giving people what they want just to get sex, because I think I want something more than sex. I want an agreement. I want commitment. Not in the usual sense of "I want a monogamous emotional commitment" but in the sense that if it's not a "serious" relationship, I want just sex. I mean, it's one of the places where I am willing be to black and white. Serious commitment, monogamy, and genuine romantic interest, or physical interest and no-strings-attached sex. Oh, and then there is the whole platonic spectrum that I've become much more comfortable with. I honestly never understood the fine shades of attraction that existed until I moved out here. I always thought if I was attracted to someone I should be attracted to them, or not. Instead there are plenty of people I find attractive and I can imagine being with for fun or whatever, but I just don't ever bring it up or talk about it; it's not that important.
Grad school! I was originally planning to go for Music History to keep that job path open. Teaching college level history or theory would be an enjoyable career. In the past few weeks, however, I have had a huge reevaluation of my playing and my capacity as a performing musician. Doug's comments, my observations, and my success with NYSOS (did I mention that not only did I get accepted, but that I'm playing principal? Very good for the ego) have led me to realize that I want to play horn. I will always study music and history, because it fascinates me. But I want to get paid to play horn. I'm good enough to make a living doing it, too. I think I shall. I'm considering not going to grad school and simply auditioning for some "training" orchestras, which pay a stipend and run on a semi-professional level. They are more professional than regional orchestras, better on a resume, and would give me time to practice, play, make connections, compose, and probably travel too. This is all more than a year away still, but I've been thinking about it a lot nonetheless.
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[29 Nov 2007|01:18pm] |
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It's really interesting how there can be an understanding of something, an attempt to change something, and yet what feels like emotional stasis. The endless battle between mind and heart.
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[20 Nov 2007|04:21pm] |
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The price of ambition is frustration. The greater your aspirations, the greater your disappointment at what you have not yet obtained. I feel like everything I do isn't right. That's not to say I do things wrong all the time, or even terribly often. I'd say I do must things adequately. But I strive for perfection. I know what I envision perfection to be, in context, but these things are no so straightforward in practice. Will I ever feel like I have attained my goals? Are my goals even attainable? By having goals that are, by my nature, unattainable, am I simply setting myself up for a disappointing life, or am I simply choosing to have all my satisfaction be retrospective? That is, when I look at where I come from I always feel good about where I am, but I never feel like I'm where I want to be. Hm.
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| "A Battle Between Mind and Heart" |
[16 Nov 2007|07:15pm] |
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music |
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Beethoven Op.90... which is what the title refers to |
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I don't really think I have it figured out at all. I feel confused a lot. I feel frustrated a lot. Last night I wrote in my paper journal:
"Sometimes I think I'll never be a good horn player.
Sometimes I think I'll never be anything except a good horn player."
And I think those are the two biggest frustrations I deal with. I play horn and, for the most part, I am satisfied with my progress and how I play. I'm fairly confident I'll be able to make it as a professional performing musician. Nonetheless, there is a lot of time when I feel like I am just way too far behind in repertoire and in ensemble playing to ever be anything but an embarassment. I sometimes even feel like my sound isn't very good.
On the other hand, I feel like I'm so good at music and I love it so much but that's all I'll ever have. That is, I feel like no one is interested in me romantically. Time and time again this proves to be a valid fear. I have some friends that are 'on my side!' and 'rooting for me', but I just can't seem to get it right with girls. I have been talking with Garry (30 years old, MM in Conducting in progress, was MM horn performance last year) a lot and he seems to concur that, in my age group, most girls are looking for something and if you can figure out what it is and give it to them they will, at least, sleep with you. I'm just too arrogant. I'm too sophisticated to settle for sex earned by playing mental games. I know I'm capable of playing them... sometimes I do, but then I feel like the asshole I was in high school and I don't like that part of me. I just don't understand why things can't be straightforward, ie "I'm really attracted to you but only interested in sex" and then let it go from there. Instead people need to earn their status and I'm just not willing to work that hard for something that doesn't mean that much to me. (even though I feel lonely almost every night when I'm trying to sleep alone... and this is almost 4 months after having even SEEN Meagan, let alone slept with her)
I don't really think I have it figured out at all.
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| What is UP? |
[13 Nov 2007|11:09pm] |
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music |
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Beethoven Op.101 |
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I pulled a 'college kid' last night and wrote my 7-page first draft literature analysis paper between 5PM and 2AM. Not too shabby considering there was a 6:40-9:30 horn choir diversion in there. It's on Henrik Ibsen's play 'Hedda Gabler'. My thesis is that Hedda is an androgynous character whose actions have nothing to do with her being a woman or some man-in-a-woman's body, which was a popular interpretation of her character for the first 50 years the play existed.
I am always interested in how people end up like they do. I am finding more and more that it is quite possible to be a really cool person, a really fun person, a really interesting person, or any combination thereof, and still do/say/believe a lot of things I totally disagree with. I don't know how I've managed to have friends in the past. Honestly I'm a little surprised I do now, when I think about it. Anyway, I've just today realized how large and varied my acquaintance base is. As far as friends... well, what makes a friend?
I am still trying to understand the dynamics of social interaction between attractive boy and attractive girl. I get a shot at the games people play because I'm good-looking, but man if I didn't have some people to explain to me what the hell is going on I probably would've blown all my chances thus far. Elysa and Garry have been talking with me about how to 'work my game', per se. They claim there are many people that are 'into' me, but I don't know if that's true. Nonetheless, I'm trying to walk the line between non-aggressive* and flirtatious. I think part of the reason I don't have much success is that I don't let on that I'm into people. In my head it is so obvious that I can't imagine people not knowing, but the Meagan experience really gave me a new perspective on that. Most people really didn't know I was into her until it got to the point where we were sleeping together, which changes your public social dynamic whether you want it to or not. People can sense these things. Anyway, the one thing that is really going for me is that I have 'prospects' in 3 different venues: at work, music department, and cute girl from German. Now, knowing me none of these will pan out, but I am at least experimenting with what type of reactions I get in the short and long-term from various actions/inactions. I can't tell where I stand with these people, and I've never been good at knowing if someone is actually into me, but at least I'm trying.
*For clarification, I generally think that publicly sexually assertive men are jerks. Not publicly physically assertive men, because that goes without saying that they are jerks, but men that are lewd and suggestive to an obviously-into-having-sex-with-that-girl degree. I just don't care for that sort of behavior, I guess.
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[06 Nov 2007|09:42pm] |
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music |
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KT Tunstall (is amazing) |
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I took an audition in Chicago a few weeks ago with Leelanee. We auditioned for the NYSOS (New York String Orchestra Seminar). I am very excited to say that I made it! That is my first audition aside from placement and college auditions. Very exciting. I will be going to NYC from December 19th-December 28th and playing 2 concerts. I feel confident that Leelanee got in too, since we are players of comparable skill, though she has much more experience with this sort of thing. It will be a great experience! Flattery and compliments are now accepted.
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